A World Without Peeta
by GlarthirSkingrad
Summary: What if Peeta had died in the first Hunger Games to save Katniss? A one shot about how Katniss copes with her feelings after coming home and how it affects her relationship with Gale.


**A World Without Peeta**

Once again I woke up sweating and almost screaming. My heart was pounding against my chest, and it took a while before I was able to calm down. I sat up in my bed and tried to push aside my blanket. I rubbed my hands against my face trying to scrub off the pain. Of course it didn't work. I'd had these horrible nightmares almost every night since I went into the arena to fight in the Hunger Games.

While trying to shake away the fear from the most recent bad dream, I thought about Peeta. He was so good at calming me down and making my dreams peaceful and pleasant. I never knew how he did it, but his presence at night had had an instant effect on my mood. I used to lie very close to him to feel his calm body and body language while he was caressing my hair and face. Knowing that I could never do that again made me shiver with sorrow.

Beside me now was Gale. He was still asleep even though I was pretty sure that my nightmares were loud and noisy. He was lying on his stomach with his arm over the pillow and his face turned towards me. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing deeply. His dark hair covered most of his forehead, and his skin was smooth and perfect. In many ways Gale was perfect, I knew that. A lot of the other girls from District 12 adored him and would do anything to have him in their bed like I had, but then again, I was not most girls.

After I won the Hunger Games, I was rewarded with this big house I lived in now and plenty of money in addition. I would never have to fear starvation again, and neither would my family. Of course I was happy about that, but I did not feel happy.

Without Gale noticing, I slipped out of bed and grabbed my everyday clothes. I went down the stairs into the living room, where the fireplace was still alight. It was quiet, and my mother and sister were sleeping too. Even Prim's annoying cat wasn't here to disturb me.

I put on my clothes and sat down in the comfortable chair next to the fire. I looked into the flames trying not to think about Peeta. But the horrible fact was that Peeta was dead, and it wasn't until after his death that I had realized how much he had meant to me. I knew that I should be happy that I had survived the Hunger Games and was still alive to protect my mother and sister, but it felt like a part of me had died in that arena too.

Even though it had been a while now since I got home, I still saw Peeta's face whenever I closed my eyes. In details I relived the awful minutes after we thought we were safe. After the evil mutated beast were defeated alongside the other opponents, I remembered looking into Peeta's eyes and being happy. We thought that we made it. Then we heard the voice telling us, that there could only be one winner of the Hunger Games. I was mortified and in shock, but Peeta never doubted his decision. He was badly injured, but I was sure it wasn't fatal. There was no way he could die from his wounds after how he had recovered in the woods. While I was falling to pieces, he remained cool. All along he wanted me to win, and now was no exception.

"Katniss, I love you, please remember that", he said to me. I didn't know what he was thinking until I saw the knife in his hand. First – and I hated myself for thinking that – I thought that he might wanted to kill me, but quickly I realized that he could never do that. He loved me and was in love with me. I didn't believe it at first, but very soon it sank into my thick skull; he really loved me so fiercely that he would do anything for me. Even this. So while I was speechlessly watching his movement, he pulled out the knife and stabbed himself in front of me. As he fell to the ground, I started screaming. Everything was in slow motion, and I saw every expression on Peeta's face as life was leaving his body. His eyes were closing, but his mouth was smiling. When his heavy body hit the grass I ran to him in terror. I couldn't believe my eyes; I wouldn't believe them. This could not be happening, but as I knelt down beside him, I found him lifeless and motionless. His mouth was still smiling; it looked like a relieved smile.

"Peeta", I screamed, but he did not react. His pulse was gone too.

After this I was crowned the winner of the Hunger Games, and I got everything I wanted before: Food on the table and a happier family. I even got Gale too.

After staring into the flames for a while, I opened the door and went outside. The air seemed clearer than ever, but maybe it was just because of the cold weather. It was still dark outside with only small signs of the rising sun. Nobody seemed to be up yet, and it suited me fine. I wanted to be alone. Again. It was the only way I could clear my head and allow myself to feel sad.

I walked into the village without noticing what happened around me. I focused on my breathing, while the light snow had started falling slowly from the sky. I stopped and looked up into the sky. I hoped that Peeta and my father could see me from somewhere. I hoped they had met wherever they were. They would have gotten along just great.

I felt alone again and kept on walking. I wanted to escape the village and the people and seek out my solitude in the woods. I didn't want Gale to come with me today. Or any day these days. I preferred being alone. It was the only way I had the time and space to either indulge in my sorrow or try to be indifferent and focus on hunting.

I used to love being in the woods with first my father and then Gale and just hunt and feel satisfied bringing home food for the family. I remember the trees were always green and flowers were always in bloom in contrast to the grim grey colours in the village. It was before I realized the ugliness of the Hunger Games, I guess. Now the colours in the woods were as sad as the ones in the village.

I walked until I got to the tree where my bow was hiding: Inside a hollow tree. I grabbed it and walked to the little spot between the tall trees where Gale and I used to sit and talk between the hunting sessions. I brushed away the tiny layer of snow that was covering the ground and sat down. I listened to the silence and the quiet sound from the animals. My hands tightened around the bow and one of the arrows. I sat still and saw a pheasant walking around beneath some bushes. I got the bow ready and was trying to breathe steadily before releasing the arrow. Bang, the arrow hit the prey perfectly, and it died without being in pain.

I sat still for a couple of seconds trying not to see images in my head from inside the arena where I was aiming at real people and not animals. It was the same principle, but yet so different. I felt my heart clench inside me, filling my body with agony again. I quickly got up to avoid the pictures in my head.

I rushed over to the dead animal, but now all I could see was a pair of dead eyes staring at me with blame. "Argh", I screamed and looked up into the sky. I threw away my bow in disgust and stamped on the ground. Now the Games had taken away my joy for hunting too. It seemed like it would never stop haunting me. I then decided that I wouldn't let them win, so I picked up my dinner and bow and moved away. I tried to do what I used to do while hunting: trying not to think too much, just shoot.

It seemed to work okay then; I shot a couple of ducks, and the sun was all up when I had gotten enough food for my whole family and Gale for a couple of days. I didn't want to go home, so I lit a fire in one of the open spaces to cook some breakfast. I took my time since I didn't feel I had anything to go home to right now anyway. My mother was probably working, my sister at school and Gale working too. Not that I really wanted to speak to them anyway even if they were home. I had the opportunity to go back to school too to keep on learning, but I really didn't see the point now. What could they possible teach me that I could use? I would never be in need of a job, and all I knew how to do was hunting, and I mastered that perfectly.

I stayed away from the village until nightfall. I didn't realize how much time I had spent in the woods until I saw the sunset. The colours were different shades of red and looked almost unnatural. If Peeta had seen this, he would have fetched his canvas and brushes and started painting what he saw. He always saw things differently from what I did. Where I saw a red sunset, he saw all the different red colours, and he would have been able to paint it even more beautifully than it looked there up in the sky. I almost smiled thinking about his joy for painting. I had never seen anything so artistic before, and he made me appreciate the beauty of it.

Instead of lingering, I picked up my harvest, put the bow back in its place and started walking home. It was a long walk back, but I didn't long for conversation right now anyway.

Walking into the village I avoided the bakery as usual, but suddenly I ran into Madge in the streets. She was carrying a big basket with food, mostly fruit and vegetables.

"Hi Katniss. How are you?" she asked me with her concerned face but still covered in a smile.

"Hey Madge. I'm fine. Just been to the woods", I replied lifting my prey. She looked at the animals, impressed.

"Wow, you must have had great aim today", she said with admiration in her voice.

"Yeah, it was a good hunt. You want some of the pheasants? They are so heavy", I asked.

"No, it's yours. You caught it", she politely declined. She always did; she was as sweet as ever and I really admired that about her. Without further asking, I placed two pheasants and three ducks in her basket. She almost couldn't lift it, and it reminded me of how other girls weren't like me, like Prim too.

"It's too much, Katniss. I can't accept it", she said smiling at me. I shook my head and smiled back not wanting to say that I didn't need it because I had plenty of food at home.

"I know you like poultry", I said with a smile and hurried away from her. She smiled and waved at me as I was leaving her. She always made me smile; she was so tender and gentle that it was impossible not to like her. Sometimes I used to tease Gale about her. He had once made a remark about her, saying that she was nice, and I never let it go. I used to engrave small hearts in the trees in the woods with their names just to annoy him a little, but he didn't take any offence. Well, she _was_ nice, I couldn't disagree with that.

I got to my house and saw the lights were on. It was past dinnertime, and as I looked in through the windows, I saw Prim lying in front of the fireplace with her schoolbooks and the hideous cat. He was cuddling up next to her, wanting her attention. She was stroking him with one hand while writing with the other. My mother was sitting by the table working with some herbs, probably to make some medicine. I was happy about her development though. After I went to the Hunger Games she pulled herself together and became a responsible adult once again. She put in a new effort to make new kinds of medicine to ease her patients' pains, and everybody seemed happy about her work. I almost felt proud of her.

"Hi", I said opening the door. The house was warm, and I hadn't noticed that I had been cold until now, feeling the warmth from the fireplace and the candles.

"Hi Katniss", Prim shouted and waved at me still focused on her paperwork. Her cat noticed me and looked like he hoped that I had stayed away forever.

"Gale was worried", my mother said calmly, barely looking at me. I sat down at the table across from her:

"You weren't?"

She gave me the same look. "No, of course not. I know you, Katniss".

I was just about to snap at her before it hit me that she was right. She knew all about losing a person that she loved, and my situation was quite similar. Obviously, I had never told her about my feelings for Peeta. As a mother, she probably knew but she would never ask me. She knew me too well after all.

"Yeah", I sighed and walked into the kitchen with the food I had shot. I stored it, washed away the dirt from my hands and face and walked up the stairs into my room to change clothes.

"You've been out hunting?", Gale asked me. He was lying in our bed on his side with his face away from me. He startled me because I didn't see him lying there.

"Yep", I answered and contemplated the thought that he was upset. I quickly changed into my pyjamas, and he turned around.

"Did you catch something good?", he then asked me and sat up in the bed. In the dim light from the lamp on his nightstand he looked even more gorgeous. Working in the mines didn't affect his looks.

"Yeah, some pheasants and ducks. And some snow", I replied with a smile.

"Katnip", he said teasingly, looking at me with his big, dark eyes. They looked even bigger in the dark. "Come here, baby", he continued and patted the bedside next to him.

I slowly moved towards him and sat down next to him before giving him a brief kiss on his nose. Then I got up and without further words I walked downstairs again. I could hear him calling my name, but I ignored his calls.

In the living room I sat down on the big, soft couch next to the fireplace, my favourite spot.

"I made this for you, Katniss", I heard Prim's voice say before she appeared next to me. She was holding a big cup of something hot in her hands, and she handed me the cup.

"Be careful. It's hot tea. Don't burn yourself", she warned me, and for a while she was just looking at me.

"Thank you, Prim. It's just what I needed after being out in the snow", I replied, "but if I do get burned, I bet you can fix it now".

Her face lit up in a smile. She was too well-behaved to talk about her progress in working with herbs and medicine but loved it when people recognised it.

"Yes, I can", she answered with pride, and out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother smiling as well, while she was getting ready for bed.

"You're a good sister, Prim", I said and took a sip of the tea. I never really liked tea, but Prim's stuff tasted good.

"So are you, Katniss. I just wish you would be happy again", Prim then whispered quietly, stroked my hair and said goodnight.

My mother went to bed too, and I sat alone in front of the fireplace with my tea. I put on a blanket and kept taking small sips of the tea. It quickly made me sleepy and relaxed.

I barely heard Gale coming down the stairs. He sat himself next to me and pulled my weary body close to his. I leaned against him and put my head on his shoulder.

"I wish I could have thanked that Peeta guy for saving you", Gale then said. I instantly woke up.

"Why?", I asked, surprised. I turned my head to see the expression on his face. There was a bit of disappointment in his eyes.

"I feel I should have been the one who saved you", he said. I sensed he was looking for some answers from me, so instead I cuddled up closer to him and put my arm across his chest.

"You saved me too in a lot of ways. Without you I would never had been this good with my bow", I answered. He chuckled and kissed me on my forehead. It reminded me of how Peeta had kissed me, and how I surprised myself by wanting more. And I did get it, I remembered. I smiled to myself.

"You're smiling", Gale said. I looked away trying to hide my face. Instead I buried it in his chest feeling the tears coming forth.

"Yes, sometimes I do", I averted the potential dangerous situation.

"I really long to see you smile for real again", he continued.

"I know. I've just been feeling a bit off my game lately".

"I understand, Katniss". He caressed my cheek gently with his fingers.

"Did you love Peeta the way he loved you?", he then asked me. His voice sounded like he was trembling. I felt like I was being hit with a bucket of ice cold water.

"No, of course not, Gale. I just had to pretend to survive. You would have done the same", I answered with a neutral voice, while the first tears dropped from my eyes.


End file.
